Getting a pre-teen to FOCUS

[ryoder]

I think your step daughter might benefit from some motivation from a world renowned educator and motivator who specializes in these types of things.
Check out this youtube video and let me know what you think...
Livin In A Van Down By The River - Matt Foley Motivational Speaker - His Full Scene - YouTube

[frankiebleyes]

Hmm! Both of my sons did well in school but at age 12 the oldest developed problems that we eventually figured out was dsylexia. His verbal and communication skills, including memory, were so highly tuned that it took the work in six and seven grades for us to figure out there was a problem when his grades dropped. We went a half a year, spoke with the local college and had him tested (he was dsylexia). Probably misspelled that, but you get the point.

Our youngest was 13 when he developed short term memory problems with school, unfortunately in his case they thought it was ADHD, but was actually bipolar.

The point here is most likely she is just hitting puberty and being perfectly normal and lazy, but maybe she has a problem that should be looked for.

Both of my sons graduated from high school in the top 5% of their class. Don't give up on her but consider checking into problems that might exist.

Best of luck.

[jackbanta]

Very interesting video, Andy. I'm thinking I want to look more into this unschooling. It really jives with a lot of things that I've thought all my life.

Or I could do the Matt Foley approach!

Jennifer, I live in New York. I looked at the homeschooling website you recommended... looks like a lot of work in this state. We might be moving south in the next year though, so....

Frankie, it's occurred to us that more serious problems might exist, but both her mom and I are very skeptical of a lot of learning disability diagnoses (or at least their frequency). We're just gonna continue to watch her and see what happens! Thanks for your post though!

[mrs.b]

I echo frankiebleyes' thought that there may be something non-scholastic at work, though I would not automatically point to a learning disability, especially if this is a newer development. (She did learn without difficulty before the last few years?)

Without knowing her personally, I would suggest it is more a factor of puberty and environment influences. Have you done a full evaluation of her friends, both those you've met and those that are school only? I ask because her situation sounds very similar to my own at that age, and it needs to be managed carefully but decisively if she's in the same boat. She's well into the development range where influence of peer pressure becomes far more important than parental influence. Without oversharing personal details, I became a) lazy due to normal preteen tendency to test boundaries, but also b) influenced by some friends that were not the ideal group for scholastic (or life) achievement. It started with general laziness in schoolwork, and grew into a daily fight to just get me to go to school. By 14, it was a major problem that nearly meant a repeated grade, along with State intervention due to attendance issues and attitude. My father was given custody and moved me out of the school district and away from those friends, a new Guidance Counselor was heaven-sent and managed to give me a second chance with a flexible transcript policy, and the problem magically disappeared. (Graduated high school in the top 10% of my class, which I promise would not have happened without that intervention.) I might have hated them for it then and a few years after with a passion only a teenager can summon (they were to blame until I woke up and realized what an utter brat I'd been...how they did not drown me, I can't exactly say), but I have nothing but love for them now that I'm able to see where I was headed and what they stopped me from doing.

If she's capable - you are a good judge of that - the problem may be general pre-teen laziness, but please evaluate other influences to be certain she isn't following a peer trend that's disruptive to her full potential. (By the way, my mother never met or knew of those friends until we talked about it years later. They were at school only, except for when we skipped and hung out at our houses when parents were at work.) It could be something else, but if it's a peer influence, it could get worse and out of control quickly.

Not to scare you, but the story struck a chord and I wanted to point out another possible factor.

[cookderosa]

Jennifer, I live in New York. I looked at the homeschooling website you recommended... looks like a lot of work in this state. We might be moving south in the next year though, so....

If you decide to homeschool in NY, I stongly (is there a stronger word?) urge you to join HSLDA. We've been members for 17 years, and I wouldn't homeschool (even in IL) for 5 minutes without them. YOU knowing the law is never enough. School officials don't know the law half the time (and my SIL is a super in a large NY district after years of being a principle- she doesn't even know the hs law for her state and she is more connected having nephews being hs'd) Other people will be in your business and sometimes they get confused between facts and their own opinions about what the facts should be lol. In any event, homeschooled kids draw a lot of attention, especially when they used to go to public school, so HSLDA will let you and the wife sleep at night. It's a hundred bucks and you never have to worry, they have your back, and if you don't, your money pays for the nasty court cases in states (like NY!) brought against other families. I can't say enough good things about them.

[Lindagerr]

Banta do not confuse learning disabilities with diagnosis of ADHD. I have children with both. A true learning disability can appear at 12 if the child is very bright, they have learned to compensate when they were younger and the work was easier. Learning disability does not mean stupid, it usually just means they have a different way of learning. Here in NJ around 12 they are just starting middle school, this may mean the begining of changing classes the disruption of these changes can be difficult for some kids. If your Stepdaughter is asking for help things may be getting more difficult, but she doesn't want to " be a tard" (Kid speak) so she acts like she doesn't care so no one will know she is having difficulties.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying that is definitely the problem, 12 is a difficult age for girls and it could just be a passing phase. Have you tried having her earn rewards for good grades. With many children losing a privilege just makes them angry and stubborn, the challenge of earning something can be a more palatable thing. It doesn't have to be a hugh thing maybe just a trip to the mall with a friend or 2 as a reward for a good test grade.

I have nothing against home schooling I wish I could have done it for my youngest, but not everyone is good at it. I could not have done it for my older children ( I didn't have the patience with them). I know people that have done a great job homeschooling, but if your wife does not feel confident about homeschooling I would not push her. It is a big job and sometimes it is hardest to teach your own children.

[NAP]

You have a lot to consider from the other posts.

Is there a way to help her associate her future goals (whether it includes college or not) with her current studies?

Even just knowing that I wanted to go to college helped me get through the boring subjects in school. It was important to learn them so I could get to my goal of college. (I really wish I had the chance to take calculus in high school. It would have made my class now so much easier.) Also, having those dreams and goals (even though they have changed some) helped me when life happened and "going" to college was delayed for many years.

What would she think of earning some college credit (CLEP) now? Would it add motivation or reward?

My mom always told us that school was not hard, but it was important to have the commitment to learn a little bit at a time and do the homework every day. Staying up-to-date and not getting behind would keep it as easy as possible.

[Gooberman11]

I'd like to agree "STRONGLY" with Cookderosa about HSLDA. If you decide to go the direction of homeschooling the $100 will give you peace of mind. Just want you to know Cookderosa is not exagerating on the importance of the protection and support they will give you no matter what crazy things your state does.

[marianne202]

Ok, so I have to throw in my 2 cents! I have a daughter who is 13, so I'm right there with you! My son, who is now 18, had some issues at 12 when we realized that our AIG student was suddenly failing classes. I threatened to hold him back, which his teachers were appalled by the thought. We found out that he was missing a small piece of math from when we moved across the country, he was just never taught it. We took him to Sylvan and they found the piece. When the taught it to him, he literally tested out of 4 grade levels in one day! They said it was weird because he could explain the concept and why and when he would use it, he just didn't know the mechanical process. Once he learned that there was no stopping him. He was also very frustrated and distracted from bullying. These may be issues, so I would recommend talking to her teachers, friends and friends parents. He actually was attacked and had his sternum broken while in a choke hold on the playground at lunch! After that we sent him to Karate and told him he had our permission to fight back! It made all the difference.

Now as for a 12 year old girl, that is another matter all together! Can you say hormones, boys, peer pressure etc! My daughter has always been in AIG classes and very much a tomboy. Which was fine until she hit 7th grade last year. Suddenly the boys she was friends with, couldn't be friends with her anymore, you know at that age you only have girlfriends, not girl friends. The girls didn't like her because she wasn't girly enough and into Glee, HS musical, Justin Bieber etc. Smart kids don't want to appear too smart because their peers may think they are the teacher's pet, the fun kids are the ones that don't put much stock in school and just want to have fun. It sounds like she is just distracted with typical middle school "stuff" and trying to find her place. I truly believe middle school is the worst time these days for kids. Pressures that were usually only in high school in my day (30 yrs ago), are now common in middle school. They are trying to grow up so fast that their brains can't keep pace with their bodies This year my daughter had to drop a high school Spanish class because the workload is outrageous for all the classes, and now this year homework, hours of it every night, don't count towards their grades. Only classwork and exams count 40/60 split. What a mess.

Before you jump to thinking she has ADD/ADHD or a learning disability, I would look closely at the school and peer environment. Having been there and being there, I think that has far more to do with it than anything organic. Support her, get her tutoring, ask about school and her friends and be truly interested. Sometimes just being able to vent without judgement is the best things for these kids that are exposed to so much. I also think giving her a reward for doing well is a good incentive too, it gives them something positive to focus on in a sometimes out of control world they are living in. Maybe a new book or working towards a Kindle for a good semester or year.

Ok, just my 02 cents for what it's worth. I'm glad you didn't give up on her, too many parents in my town would have! Remember to highlight the positive she does, don't just focus on the bad or undesirable! Good luck! Parenting, the toughest job we will ever get with no interview or training!

[NAP]

Another thought:

Burbuja has mentioned several times about how successful her son has been with using ALEKS. Maybe there are other interactive methods available for learning different subjects, too.