Toxic Younger Sister

[keepsingin]

I agree with the advice above. One coping tool for dealing with toxic family member(s) is to view them as just another acquaintance/coworker/classmate that has issues...it helps toward not letting it all get to you so deeply. Instead of thinking, my sister said this/that, my parents did/didn't do this/that; think, these are just other human beings I happen to live with, and that’s it. Removing the relational aspect from your thinking may sound heartless but it could potentially save your relationships from total combustion to the point of no return, because you will expect so much less, and in return, not be as personally affected by their ill behavior. Wish you the best...and I have to echo what others have said...it will NOT always be this way, life WILL get better, so hang in there!

[rlw74]

If you can't move out now, I recommend staying extremely busy. At 18 I left at 6 in the morning and got home at 10 at night. I worked 3 part-time jobs and went to school full-time. I was involved in choir and a college group at a local church. It helped me avoid conflict at home and it helped ward off depression because I was busy and didn't have time to think about a whole lot of other stuff. Plus, it gave me the money to be independent. As others have said, please talk to a therapist. You might be surprised how much it will help just to have an encouraging word and some advice from an outside source. It sounds like right now you feel alone and misunderstood. Therapy really will help.

[2L8]

 I did that plenty of times my mom says she doesn't see it as its done behind her back and my dad says he can't deal with it because of physical pain , tiredness (which is ironic sense he's always running and talking about how his body feels like a 18 year old) and she just sits there and lies saying I didn't do anything. I know they see it but they don't care.  My father called me " a weak stupid retard for letting a 15 year old make me want to take my own life."

Your Dad actually had some very positive advice in there; he just doesn't appear to have a great deal in the way of communication skills.

Get to that in a minute. Since you've openly shared, lets address a more serious, important issue.


NEVER BASE A DECISION TO KILL YOURSELF ON HOW YOU PERCEIVE SOMEONE ELSE IS TREATING YOU. NEVER.

You said Dad said "make me want to take my own life" - this is serious.

I don't condone suicide completely. I would suggest it more, especially for terminally ill people in extreme pain, or people in positions with absolutely no way out (like, to avoid being taken prisoner overseas).

The problem is, from seeing it first hand a bunch of times as a police officer, it rarely works as intended. For every person that pills out, there are several with long-term, dramatic and invasive, permanent damage requiring them to have assistance, forever. Plus permanent, physical pain, no way to earn a living, tragic... really.

Shooting and bleeding out, thanks to several changes over the years, are no sure thing, either. I personally know someone missing their jaw. Great personality, zest for life... now.

I would be lying to you if I said the concept of being dead preferable to whatever I was going through never passed through my mind.

Especially when it's late, I'm tired, concerned, and I've been through some Bad Things. But so have others, like you. Ending your life so young, no matter how hard the things are hitting you right now, would be tragic. Maybe no one right now would miss you. But you deprive the world of what you may become, and you may deprive your future husband and kids. You may be in the right place at the right time, that you won't be, if you check out now. Maybe you don't be a rock star, but maybe... you'll be enough. To someone.

One thing is positive - you'll never know if you aren't around to see it.

There is a HUGE planet out there. You can go anywhere you want. You can write your own story to a great extent. Right now sucks. Right now is hard. Right now, your Dad is telling you that there should be nothing a little kid can say or do to diminish your sunshine, but he doesn't understand how much you love and want to be loved, and when things don't go as you are hoping, it physically hurts you.

He is right, but in a much more global sense. There are more people that hate me than even know who you are. Every day, they are bent out of shape because of me. I could give a shit less. I still do me, I don't dwell on them. I work with people I don't like. I am related to people I don't like. There's a person at a store I don't like. I don't care. It took me awhile to learn what's valuable, and what to filter in in order to improve who I am. You are still at the firehose stage.

War story - I worked in a jail one time. You want to talk about people hating you, you haven't lived until people conspire to throw poop, pee (and worse) at you. Call you ugly names, try to get under your skin, get you fired for sport.

What I am telling you is, rise above, my child. You have worth and value. There is little you can control besides being the best you you can be. Consider God; He is out there.

It's going to take forever, but the circumstances you find yourself in right now will change. You are building your character, right now, this second. Will you be tough, and able to matter when it counts? Will you ever be able to stick with anything, no matter the value? Will anyone, anywhere be able to manipulate your heart and the day you have with what they say, or do?

IT'S ALL HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE BEING TESTED. TAKE THE TEST. You fail, there's another test coming, dust yourself off, get back up, try again.

Do this - you are clearly smart enough to see manipulative behavior. You also understand that there should be some parenting to correct this behavior that isn't happening. Time for you to wash your hands from it. If she isn't actively after you, let it ride. Focus on getting through school and finding a way to support yourself. Look into internships in fields that interest you. Home is for food, for sleep and for poop right now. Limit your interactions with them and focus more on the Big Two - School and Work.

Do this and see where you are in six months. God bless!

 I will try this for six months and give an update.

[High_Order1]

 I will try this for six months and give an update.

RIGHT ON!!

Please continue to consider finding a pastor or mental wellness person too. But definitely fill your life with healthy, positive opportunities. You can't pick your family, but you can call some shots as to your future and your circumstances. Choose to be successful - you CAN be.

You are the reason I checked in here today. I was wondering how you were doing. Keep kicking~ there is an ENTIRE world out there for you to find your place in, if you only will!

Good luck!

[davewill]

Whatever else you do, do not forego the visit to a licensed mental health professional. And if that person does not seem to be taking you seriously enough or does not seem to be helping, then find another. I can't stress this strongly enough. I almost lost one of my kids to suicide, and it can be startling how quickly those feelings can overcome a person.

And if you find yourself feeling like taking your life, call a suicide hotline, or go to the emergency room. Do not try to muddle through on your own.

---

Your Dad actually had some very positive advice in there; he just doesn't appear to have a great deal in the way of communication skills.

I am utterly appalled that anyone could characterize that kind of verbal abuse as "positive advice"

[2L8]

Whatever else you do, do not forego the visit to a licensed mental health professional. And if that person does not seem to be taking you seriously enough or does not seem to be helping, then find another. I can't stress this strongly enough. I almost lost one of my kids to suicide, and it can be startling how quickly those feelings can overcome a person.

And if you find yourself feeling like taking your life, call a suicide hotline, or go to the emergency room. Do not try to muddle through on your own.

---

Your Dad actually had some very positive advice in there; he just doesn't appear to have a great deal in the way of communication skills.

I am utterly appalled that anyone could characterize that kind of verbal abuse as "positive advice"

 I'm sorry about that scenario with your children I hope they are doing better.

[High_Order1]

I am utterly appalled that anyone could characterize that kind of verbal abuse as "positive advice"

I guess you had to grow up in that type of environment. Different people express themselves differently. What he said was not wrong; how he went about it could use a great deal of work.

[jsd]

both what he said and how he said it were wrong. there's no "advice" to be gleaned from the specific verbal abuse that was shared with us.

[High_Order1]

both what he said and how he said it were wrong. there's no "advice" to be gleaned from the specific verbal abuse that was shared with us.

That's your opinion.

I saw it differently, apparently, she did too.

Edited to add - he told her that her little sister shouldn't affect her to the point she felt she needed to kill herself.

[jsd]

I saw no indication that she agrees with you, only that your advice that followed was taken to heart.

Calling someone "a stupid weak retard" for being troubled by an issue is not advice. You were able to spin it well enough and i'm glad you followed it up with advice that helped, but you extrapolated that on your own, it wasn't what the father said or meant, and shouldn't be used to justify abuse.