opinion on military school for ADHD teen

[CatsDomino]

I've refrained from posting in this thread because I've been trying to figure out how to phrase this nicely. But I'm not sure there is a way to say this that won't sound unkind to someone. I seem to remember saying that your sons refused therapy after the death of your wife. But you need therapy. Both you and your sons. Not just for grief counseling, but also to deal with neurodivergence. Your son has an IEP, but it's unclear how much daily help/advice he gets beyond that. It sounds like not much.

Have you been diagnosed? Are you pushing this son because you see yourself in him and he just needs to "shape up" "like you did"? Please don't.

He currently attends a STEM High School and is looking at either a vocational career in the Welding, Air Mechanic, or Manufacturing Technology program during the 11th and 12th grade years. 

Welding is a good career. If he likes it, and is good at it, he can make far, FAR more money than the average office-worker. Especially if he is able to specialize in something critically under-represented like underwater welding. Some of those people can make a good 6-figures or more. I'm not sure about air mechanics, but I think they also get paid fairly well. Perhaps not as well as welders, but still decent money. Maybe they make more than welders? I think manufacturing technology depends. But the people who do the repairs definitely make more money than the people who use the parts to make things. Potentially another good 6-figure income.

I also am wondering if a military school during his Junior/Senior year of High School would not be a bad option for him? I would not be sending him here because of the traditional stereotypes people have for military school (i.e. juvenile delinquent, out of control teen), but, it would rather be to help him develop to his full potential in a structured, disciplined, fairly distraction free from electronics, environment

Not all neurodivergent people are good with such rigid structure. It's a stereotype that all so-called "Aspies" need a strict schedule. Some people with Autism need set expectations, but a looser schedule. Others do need every hour of every day pre-scheduled. 

that would push him beyond his limits mentally, physically, and educationally.

For someone with Autism, this can be a very bad thing. You don't have an out-of-control teen right now, but you could get one back if you send him away to military school.

He has also talked about potentially going into the military (i.e. welding in the Navy). So, I wanted to get opinions from former military vets on this type of learning environment for my son?

Bootcamp sounds like hell for someone with Autism. You can't get away from triggers and stimuli. If he has a meltdown, he could wind up with a very tainted military record. Not having meltdowns now doesn't guarantee no meltdowns in the future. 

Meltdowns happen due to stress. Military (school) is a high-stress environment where you often don't get to control your own actions. If the Sargent wants you to clean the bathroom floor again, even though you just finished cleaning it for the 5th time today 10 minutes ago and you could literally eat off the toilet seats... too bad. You have to do it. But being forced to (re)do things for seemingly no good reason can be extremely stressful for someone with Autism. 

I want to push him, but, I don't want to set him up to fail.

Don't send him to military school.

However, I wonder if sending him to a military school that doesn't accommodate students that learn different is a bad or a good idea?

Bad. Very bad.

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Please note that I am not saying that having Autism is "wrong" or that people who have Autism are "less than". But not everyone can be a basketball player. Not everyone can be a ballet dancer. Some people adore doing math and some people can barely handle addition due either to poor schooling or to dyscalculia. Nobody is "bad" simply because they are different. And being supportive means recognizing someone's strengths and weakness, supporting them where they are strong, then gently trying to redirect them when they are doing something that could be unhealthy for them.

For a variety of reasons, the military is the completely wrong choice for many people who are neurotypical, let alone someone who is not neurotypical.

Your son wants to be a welder? Support him in his interests so that he is able to thrive. There are a lot of videos on YT about getting started welding. Here's one about how to practice TIG welding techniques without access to any TIG welding equipment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuIoihbLPDw I'm sure there are others. Let him try practicing and see if this is something he wants to do or if air mechanic or manufacturing technology would be a better fit for his interests/skills. 

FWIW, here's a site with employers that are committed to hiring neurodivergent employees, even if that means non-standard hiring practices: Neurodiversity Career Connector (simplifyhire.com) 

There is an article about it here: Unique job site can help neurodivergent people find meaningful work — while being themselves - Stories (microsoft.com)

Being neurodivergent no longer has to mean conforming 100% to what neurotypical people do, especially when conforming can be harmful and unhealthy.

I'm not the least offended by your post.  You were honest and really hit the nail on the head with everything you said.  My son is ASD and is the "must schedule everything and stick to it" type or his world doesn't make sense at all.  He's always (and I mean ALWAYS) on time and hyper focused on his homework and interests.  This is his how he copes in a world that is not geared towards people like him.  He's making it work with therapy and meds, but military school would have been detrimental to him growing up and derailed any of his progress.  I agree that the OP is trying to impose his very narrow and rigid worldview on his son when he should probably just back off and let his son know he's there for him.

[EducationSeeker]

My son is a sophomore with ADHD.  I don’t think I would send my son to military school unless it was something he wanted to do and felt it would help him reach his goals.  If you are sending him as a punishment for “bad” behavior, it could open up a whole different can of worms.  He could internalize that you sent him away because he is not good enough which can lead to depression and suicide.  It is already really hard for kids to be different.  I have watched my son try to change who he is because other people didn’t accept him because of his differences.  He has lost his faith, his confidence, and his perseverance over the years.  I don’t know if military school will help, but I will never forget watching my son say that he didn’t deserve to live because he was “bad”.  

If the school you are considering is geared toward ADHD and Autism, and your son is interested in going, that would be the most important factors in determining your choice.

I appreciate your advice and I am trying to support my younger son in the best way I can.  I am personally in therapy and I have recommended therapy and medication for him multiple times. I also take medication for depression. He is 16 years old. He is too big to hold down and make him take meds (joking) and I can't force him to talk with a therapist. At a certain point if he isn't breaking the law, not failing school, and basically staying out of trouble, he has to feel the pain of not doing something to make meaningful change in his life. I cannot force him.

Not sure if you meant if I was diagnosed as autistic. I was not but I do have some OCD and ADHD tendencies, but, I was not diagnosed as ADHD. My path has always included college so it is very hard for me to envision my boys without a degree, but, at the end of the day, it is their path and choice in life...not mine.

I certainly don't want him to feel depressed or suicidal and want the best for him. As a single parent, it is very hard to feel like *EVERYTHING* is on you without the help of another partner especially when your son is not neurotypical and emotionally exhausting. There are days I just don't feel like I can take him blowing me off, lying sometimes, or getting ticked because I have to enforce rules like: "it's not acceptable to be on your video game all the time when you need to be studying for school or on driver's ed training". I often don't feel like I have it in me and I just have to get him through the next 3 years.

Not to overshare, but, there have been many days in the last 2 years where other than being here for my kids or my family, I just didn't cared if I woke up. Not trying to feel sorry for myself, but, parenting with a non-neurotypical teen when you are going through long term depression yourself is really hard.

At the end of the day, I want my boys to be happy, productive people with a meaningful career that supports them. If it means college...great. If it is a trade, that is ok too. I am supporting him doing something that will make him a decent living. It certainly doesn't hurt to have a tool in your tool belt (like a Bachelor's degree, certification, trade). Those just mean more options and ways to support yourself. I am grateful he is at least looking at something like Welding that is practical and can make a good living and not a useless degree like underwater basket weaving.

I think an environment like a military school *could* have the potential to help him or it could also break him...which I don't want to do. I did talk with a military school. They don't provide accommodation for IEP's and they generally want to see him taking meds. If he doesn't, they didn't think it was likely a good fit. I am looking at this as kind of a sign it is probably not the right environment for him. He is not an out of control teen that needs "scared straight". He doesn't use drugs, break the law, is completely disrespectful to me, a danger to me or himself, or get in trouble at school. Challenging...you betcha. Not bad or out of control.

Plus, military schools are really expensive...like $25k+a year. I make too much money to get meaningful financial non loan based aid, but, not enough money where that amount wouldn't be painful. That money would be better spent going towards college if he chooses to go. If he chooses to go college, we are definitely going to check out the dual enrollment or money saving options for resourceful planning here on Degree Forum. The point is he has to want to do it and be motivated for school. If not, it is a waste of time other than just getting him through high school and learning some kind of job with decent employment $ prospects that he likes.

Sorry for the long response. I work from home and don't have many friends or people to talk with so I was venting here. I don't take your response as unkind and appreciate your (and everyone's) honest opinion on this board. 

As a parent, especially when you are alone, it is easy to feel like you are constantly failing your kids and easy to second guess yourself and feel inadequate. I am just trying to help my son find a path where he gets balance, growth, and training on how to be a happy, productive member of society that makes the world a better place.

Education Seeker

[ss20ts]

Some of what he is going through is being a teenager. His brain is developing and adjusting. The teen years are rough on everyone. Pile on the death of his mother, ADHD, Asperger's, and the speech/hearing disorder and yeah he's going to have difficulties. Life is not easy for him.

The dream of academia is YOUR dream. it may not be his dream and that is ok. He has an idea of what he wants. Let him go into a vocational welding program while in high school so he gets a FREE education! He'll graduate from high school with an actual career and a job. What more could a parent want?

[EducationSeeker]

Some of what he is going through is being a teenager. His brain is developing and adjusting. The teen years are rough on everyone. Pile on the death of his mother, ADHD, Asperger's, and the speech/hearing disorder and yeah he's going to have difficulties. Life is not easy for him.

The dream of academia is YOUR dream. it may not be his dream and that is ok. He has an idea of what he wants. Let him go into a vocational welding program while in high school so he gets a FREE education! He'll graduate from high school with an actual career and a job. What more could a parent want?

@ss20ts

It is hard as a parent to separate yourself from what my and his ideas of a future are. But, it is his life. I also know Aidan likes to ask deep questions about things like space, science, etc. I look at my job as a coach. If you want a job in science (as opposed to welding) or engineering, you often have at least a bachelor's degree. If he has an idea of options out there, then you know the path to get there. I just want him to know what his options are and they all valid.

[dfrecore]

Some of what he is going through is being a teenager. His brain is developing and adjusting. The teen years are rough on everyone. Pile on the death of his mother, ADHD, Asperger's, and the speech/hearing disorder and yeah he's going to have difficulties. Life is not easy for him.

The dream of academia is YOUR dream. it may not be his dream and that is ok. He has an idea of what he wants. Let him go into a vocational welding program while in high school so he gets a FREE education! He'll graduate from high school with an actual career and a job. What more could a parent want?

@ss20ts

It is hard as a parent to separate yourself from what my and his ideas of a future are. But, it is his life. I also know Aidan likes to ask deep questions about things like space, science, etc. I look at my job as a coach. If you want a job in science (as opposed to welding) or engineering, you often have at least a bachelor's degree. If he has an idea of options out there, then you know the path to get there. I just want him to know what his options are and they all valid.

The good news is, if you encourage him to get a welding degree/cert whatever, and then he decides later that he's interested in science, there's nothing stopping him from pursuing that in whatever way he wants.  It's easy to forget that what we do is not set in stone - there's not many times in life where we pursue a path, figure out that it's not the path we want, and can't pivot to something else.

You don't have to have it all figured out NOW to be able to coach/direct towards something like welding; you can't really make a mistake here.

[bjcheung77]

As I mentioned in post #4, get him started and in a pace he's comfortable in with dual enrollment and if he needs the extra credits, CLEP/ModernStates, and Sophia.org - Once he gets the hang of online education he can decide on an Associates or Bachelors then, I wouldn't rush him.  

If he isn't ready for military school, don't enroll him, I would not pressure him into it at all...  You're trying to get him into a mood to continue his education any way he can, by using those mentioned methods, he'll accumulate credits towards a goal, be it an associates or higher.

[Alpha]

Does he receiving different therapies and counseling to help him manage his ADHD and Asperger's? With having Central Auditory Processing Disorder, I don't know that the military would be a great fit for him. Does he receive speech therapy?

Do some research on motivation. Motivation is something that comes from within the individual person. You can't motivate him. He has to motivate himself. This is something he can can work on with therapists and counselors.

School and education is not for everyone! My brother HATED school. Thought he had to go to school for 1 day. First day of kindergarten, he held onto our mother's leg SCREAMING not to make him go....she walked across a highway like this with him and walked up the school bus steps and pealed him off. He came home and said it wasn't bad. Then he found out he had to go back the next day and it started all over. He couldn't wait to graduate. He did 1 semester at community college and was absolutely miserable. He has had a success career and is in demand. He's a BMW mechanic. He learned in high school how to fix his car. He was good at it which led to a job. He's also someone who will find ways to make a job take less time. He doesn't cut corners, but he has figured out ways to complete tasks such as rebuilding an engine. If the mechanic's book says something is a 10 hour job, he challenges himself to get it done in 8 hours. He excels at this. He's taught his co-workers some of the ways he can get work completed faster. This has helped him earn more money, too.

Then there's me. I love education. I can't get enough. Our sister has a bachelor's degree and wants nothing more to do with education. She's done and over it.

As someone who lives with ADHD, I can tell you that if school is something he's not interested in, it is like physical torture to the brain. There are things I hate doing in life and making myself do them is incredibly hard. Doesn't matter if it's something super simple that I can finish in 5 minutes. I have to mentally work myself up for it to do it. This drives my husband absolutely bonkers. He doesn't have ADHD so he doesn't have any idea how hard it is to do somethings in life.

Does his high school offer a vocational program for welding? If it does, I would ask him if he wants to give it a try. Some people with ADHD do really with having physical tasks to do instead of the bookwork. This could be where he excels in life. I wouldn't push military school on him. If he fails, then what happens? I would set him up for success with a program he's really interested. I would get him more therapies and counseling to help set up him for success in life as a working adult.

@ss20ts

Thank you for sharing your insight on your brother. You are totally right about motivation. He does have to motivate himself. If he is interested in something (which he tends to get hyper focused like a lot of people with ADHD) he will do it without a problem. The problem is getting him to be motivated even with things he doesn't want to do. 

Regarding therapy, I have tried him to go to behavioral therapy to deal with both his mom's death 2 years ago and some challenges he has in his life. He doesn't have any friends. He does have some online friends. However, he can relate to people and engage in conversations...he is just introverted. The one time he went to therapy was a waste of time. He didn't engage or relate at all with the therapist. I know it can take time, but, I cannot afford to waste money if he will not take therapy seriously. 

From a medication perspective, he took Guanfacine and Focalin back in 7th grade (currently Sophomore), but, he didn't like the fact that the medication took away his appetite. I have tried to keep stressing that medication can help him focus, but, I cannot force him to take it. He is too big physically to hold down (kidding). He is old enough that he has to feel the negative consequence and pain of not taking an action to motivate him towards taking medicine. 

He has a Math IEP and I have an IEP/ETR review with his teachers in about another week. Although he has been tested for Autism before and the results were inconclusive or in a gray area, the school psychologist is evaluating him at least educationally utilizing the Gilliam survey. I am not sure if this will help get him any more help than he currently has in school even if he is diagnosed as Autistic. If he will not take medicine and will not go to therapy, what more can you do as a parent? It is really frustrating. I love him dearly and he is a good kid, but, he can be really exhausting and challenging and it is hard to do as a single parent. He received speech therapy in elementary school, but, he has a very strong verbal ability so he is currently not getting it anymore....just IEP Math tutoring.

On a positive note, he is attending a local teen grief group and seems to be making friends there. He has a part time job at a restaurant doing food prep and dishes. He is completing the "book learning" online portion of his driving test and will likely be doing the driver's test this Fall.

Like your brother, he definitely likes the "hands on" learning and I think a trade or at least Engineering (how do things work) career that is not your traditional office job would be a good career option. He is naturally interested in Science, how things work, and has a very strong curiosity and a good mind.  He struggles with Math and needs things repeated, but, once he gets the math concept and has lots of repetition, he gets it. The irony is that a lot of the jobs he would do are fairly Math heavy (i.e. Engineering) and even Welding requires Chemistry, Physics, and basic Math knowledge.  So Welding, Aircraft Mechanic, Cybersecurity, or Manufacturing Technology would be good choices for him I believe. If he does Welding, I am encouraging him to pursue a Welding Engineering Bachelor's degree. 

The local Community College here in Ohio, Eastern Gateway CC, has an Associates in Welding and Ohio State has one of the few Welding Engineering program. He seemed receptive and interested in this program. We have nearly 3 years to figure it out. 


I don't understand not wanting to achieve academically. I love learning and greatly value it. I am the kind of person who wants to get a doctorate for the value of it and for achievement.

I think @bjcheung77's advice of having him pursue the dual enrollment options of Community College (like EGCC() that is free or a low cost is great idea in addition to CLEP. I also think if he can build success doing CLEP, it would be build his confidence with college courses.

Regarding the military, I have heard mixed things for people with ADHD. It can either be a great experience in discipline or it can set him up for failure. I hear your feedback about having to do certain things is mental torture, but, part of me as a Father is like that is life dude...suck it up. Part of being a functioning adult in society is doing things you don't want to do everyday (i.e. laundry, cooking, paying bills, raising kids). I try to be sympathetic with my kids, but, I also struggle with tolerating excuses. I wasn't given a choice that I lost my wife, but, if I don't do my job, other people suffer and starve. I realize children cannot totally process this kind of sacrifice, but, you have to begin to learn to sacrifice as an adult. 

I struggle with feeling adequate as a Dad doing both the job of a Mom and a Dad who has been going through severe grief myself without a net in life yet, I get stuff done. This is the model I am trying to instill in my boys. You rise to the occasion and persevere despite learning disabilities, not having parents, etc. Life ain't fare. You keep on keepin on anyway.

Sorry for the long reply and thank you for your insight.

Education Seeker

Every kid is different and that includes kids on the spectrum.  Nobody knows your kid and what might work for him.  In general, I've found that forcing kids to do things they don't want to do is a bad idea.  There are a couple of terms that have been used in this thread and I'd like to emphasize that they're not synonymous.  Motivation and discipline.  Motivation is having a reason to do something.  Discipline is doing that thing even if you don't want to do it.  It's not clear to me that this kid lacks either one
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[frankc]

My parents sent me to an all-boy military academy in Wisconsin for four years during high school. If this military school you are considering is anything like mine, keep in mind that the school won't care about your son's ADHD or any disorders. The military academy is a high-stress environment where you never get to control your actions. The military academy environment is all about toughing it out, or in other words, "be a man."

[martamarti]

It's better to let him do what he likes, it's the right thing to do.