opinion on military school for ADHD teen

[EducationSeeker]

Hello,

I realize that this is Military/Vet board on Degree Info, but, since it involves a) military b) education, I thought I might pose a question here. My 16 year old son is a High School Sophomore. He has ADHD, Central Auditory Processing Disorder, and potentially what has been called Asperger's Syndrome (now considered Autism). He is smart kid who does not get in trouble, but, he is not a self-motivated learner, has trouble paying attention, is fairly lazy with turning in school work, and is not very motivated with school. He currently attends a STEM High School and is looking at either a vocational career in the Welding, Air Mechanic, or Manufacturing Technology program during the 11th and 12th grade years. 

I also am wondering if a military school during his Junior/Senior year of High School would not be a bad option for him? I would not be sending him here because of the traditional stereotypes people have for military school (i.e. juvenile delinquent, out of control teen), but, it would rather be to help him develop to his full potential in a structured, disciplined, fairly distraction free from electronics, environment that would push him beyond his limits mentally, physically, and educationally. He has also talked about potentially going into the military (i.e. welding in the Navy). So, I wanted to get opinions from former military vets on this type of learning environment for my son?

I want to push him, but, I don't want to set him up to fail. One concern I have is that I recently contacted New Mexico Military Institute (NMMI) and they do not honor IEP accommodations that public schools are required to honor. I realize that the expectation is that the student is independent and they already offer a structured environment with mandatory study halls and small class sizes with individual attention. However, I wonder if sending him to a military school that doesn't accommodate students that learn different is a bad or a good idea?

Also, the cost of a military boarding school of at least $25k per year for two years is expensive and I am wondering if it is worth the price or if he should just finish his Public High School and then join the military in either a reserve or National Guard unit out of High School while pursuing College?

His mom died from breast cancer about 2 years ago and he has that challenge along with his learning differences. I am a single Dad and wondering the best course of action for High School and beyond (military or non military) for my son.

Thank you,


Education Seeker

[ss20ts]

Does he receiving different therapies and counseling to help him manage his ADHD and Asperger's? With having Central Auditory Processing Disorder, I don't know that the military would be a great fit for him. Does he receive speech therapy?

Do some research on motivation. Motivation is something that comes from within the individual person. You can't motivate him. He has to motivate himself. This is something he can can work on with therapists and counselors.

School and education is not for everyone! My brother HATED school. Thought he had to go to school for 1 day. First day of kindergarten, he held onto our mother's leg SCREAMING not to make him go....she walked across a highway like this with him and walked up the school bus steps and pealed him off. He came home and said it wasn't bad. Then he found out he had to go back the next day and it started all over. He couldn't wait to graduate. He did 1 semester at community college and was absolutely miserable. He has had a success career and is in demand. He's a BMW mechanic. He learned in high school how to fix his car. He was good at it which led to a job. He's also someone who will find ways to make a job take less time. He doesn't cut corners, but he has figured out ways to complete tasks such as rebuilding an engine. If the mechanic's book says something is a 10 hour job, he challenges himself to get it done in 8 hours. He excels at this. He's taught his co-workers some of the ways he can get work completed faster. This has helped him earn more money, too.

Then there's me. I love education. I can't get enough. Our sister has a bachelor's degree and wants nothing more to do with education. She's done and over it.

As someone who lives with ADHD, I can tell you that if school is something he's not interested in, it is like physical torture to the brain. There are things I hate doing in life and making myself do them is incredibly hard. Doesn't matter if it's something super simple that I can finish in 5 minutes. I have to mentally work myself up for it to do it. This drives my husband absolutely bonkers. He doesn't have ADHD so he doesn't have any idea how hard it is to do somethings in life.

Does his high school offer a vocational program for welding? If it does, I would ask him if he wants to give it a try. Some people with ADHD do really with having physical tasks to do instead of the bookwork. This could be where he excels in life. I wouldn't push military school on him. If he fails, then what happens? I would set him up for success with a program he's really interested. I would get him more therapies and counseling to help set up him for success in life as a working adult.

[CatsDomino]

My youngest son who is now 21 and a junior in college was found to be on the spectrum (diagnosed as Asperger's back in the day) and also has ADD.  The strict regimen of a military school would have been the end of him.  There is no way that, even with therapy and/or meds, he could have mentally made it through an ordeal like that.  My son is so smart but didn't really care about his classes in middle school or early high school - that was the ADD.  Don't get me wrong, he made decent grades and never got into trouble, but there was no real effort on his part.  The things he loved, he hyper focused on (this was his ASD).  He focused on gaming, coding, building websites, etc. which I didn't understand, but I let him do his thing.  His grades got him into the early college program offered through his high school in conjunction with our local community college.  He took most of his classes there his junior and senior years and thrived in that environment.  He graduated with his Associate in Science last year and is a member of the Phi Theta Kappa honor society.  He now attends a state university, received numerous scholarships, and is majoring in computer science and double minoring in physics and math.  In fact, he just texted me earlier today to tell me that he made the highest grade on his midterm in one of his computer science classes.

I know as a parent that you want to do what's best for your son and that every person is different, however, as the mother of a child with very similar diagnoses, I can see how that may very well set them up for failure.  Especially knowing that there are no accommodations available, that would be a hard no from me.

[bjcheung77]

Basically, I wouldn't rush into things and putting pressure onto his studies, chat with him more to see what he's interested in and how he would like his studies to go, self-paced would be an option... In essence, go with his flow, in other words, start him off with Dual Enrollment in the state system so you can get both college credit and high school credit. If he's homeschooled, start him off with CLEP, Sophia.org and let him go at his pace... His main goal actually is to start earning credits and finding out what he wants to study further, he can then declare a major such as Business or IT, whatever it may be. He can then focus further into that study area once he gets to test out the waters.

[EducationSeeker]

Does he receiving different therapies and counseling to help him manage his ADHD and Asperger's? With having Central Auditory Processing Disorder, I don't know that the military would be a great fit for him. Does he receive speech therapy?

Do some research on motivation. Motivation is something that comes from within the individual person. You can't motivate him. He has to motivate himself. This is something he can can work on with therapists and counselors.

School and education is not for everyone! My brother HATED school. Thought he had to go to school for 1 day. First day of kindergarten, he held onto our mother's leg SCREAMING not to make him go....she walked across a highway like this with him and walked up the school bus steps and pealed him off. He came home and said it wasn't bad. Then he found out he had to go back the next day and it started all over. He couldn't wait to graduate. He did 1 semester at community college and was absolutely miserable. He has had a success career and is in demand. He's a BMW mechanic. He learned in high school how to fix his car. He was good at it which led to a job. He's also someone who will find ways to make a job take less time. He doesn't cut corners, but he has figured out ways to complete tasks such as rebuilding an engine. If the mechanic's book says something is a 10 hour job, he challenges himself to get it done in 8 hours. He excels at this. He's taught his co-workers some of the ways he can get work completed faster. This has helped him earn more money, too.

Then there's me. I love education. I can't get enough. Our sister has a bachelor's degree and wants nothing more to do with education. She's done and over it.

As someone who lives with ADHD, I can tell you that if school is something he's not interested in, it is like physical torture to the brain. There are things I hate doing in life and making myself do them is incredibly hard. Doesn't matter if it's something super simple that I can finish in 5 minutes. I have to mentally work myself up for it to do it. This drives my husband absolutely bonkers. He doesn't have ADHD so he doesn't have any idea how hard it is to do somethings in life.

Does his high school offer a vocational program for welding? If it does, I would ask him if he wants to give it a try. Some people with ADHD do really with having physical tasks to do instead of the bookwork. This could be where he excels in life. I wouldn't push military school on him. If he fails, then what happens? I would set him up for success with a program he's really interested. I would get him more therapies and counseling to help set up him for success in life as a working adult.

@ss20ts

Thank you for sharing your insight on your brother. You are totally right about motivation. He does have to motivate himself. If he is interested in something (which he tends to get hyper focused like a lot of people with ADHD) he will do it without a problem. The problem is getting him to be motivated even with things he doesn't want to do. 

Regarding therapy, I have tried him to go to behavioral therapy to deal with both his mom's death 2 years ago and some challenges he has in his life. He doesn't have any friends. He does have some online friends. However, he can relate to people and engage in conversations...he is just introverted. The one time he went to therapy was a waste of time. He didn't engage or relate at all with the therapist. I know it can take time, but, I cannot afford to waste money if he will not take therapy seriously. 

From a medication perspective, he took Guanfacine and Focalin back in 7th grade (currently Sophomore), but, he didn't like the fact that the medication took away his appetite. I have tried to keep stressing that medication can help him focus, but, I cannot force him to take it. He is too big physically to hold down (kidding). He is old enough that he has to feel the negative consequence and pain of not taking an action to motivate him towards taking medicine. 

He has a Math IEP and I have an IEP/ETR review with his teachers in about another week. Although he has been tested for Autism before and the results were inconclusive or in a gray area, the school psychologist is evaluating him at least educationally utilizing the Gilliam survey. I am not sure if this will help get him any more help than he currently has in school even if he is diagnosed as Autistic. If he will not take medicine and will not go to therapy, what more can you do as a parent? It is really frustrating. I love him dearly and he is a good kid, but, he can be really exhausting and challenging and it is hard to do as a single parent. He received speech therapy in elementary school, but, he has a very strong verbal ability so he is currently not getting it anymore....just IEP Math tutoring.

On a positive note, he is attending a local teen grief group and seems to be making friends there. He has a part time job at a restaurant doing food prep and dishes. He is completing the "book learning" online portion of his driving test and will likely be doing the driver's test this Fall.

Like your brother, he definitely likes the "hands on" learning and I think a trade or at least Engineering (how do things work) career that is not your traditional office job would be a good career option. He is naturally interested in Science, how things work, and has a very strong curiosity and a good mind.  He struggles with Math and needs things repeated, but, once he gets the math concept and has lots of repetition, he gets it. The irony is that a lot of the jobs he would do are fairly Math heavy (i.e. Engineering) and even Welding requires Chemistry, Physics, and basic Math knowledge.  So Welding, Aircraft Mechanic, Cybersecurity, or Manufacturing Technology would be good choices for him I believe. If he does Welding, I am encouraging him to pursue a Welding Engineering Bachelor's degree. 

The local Community College here in Ohio, Eastern Gateway CC, has an Associates in Welding and Ohio State has one of the few Welding Engineering program. He seemed receptive and interested in this program. We have nearly 3 years to figure it out. 


I don't understand not wanting to achieve academically. I love learning and greatly value it. I am the kind of person who wants to get a doctorate for the value of it and for achievement.

I think @bjcheung77's advice of having him pursue the dual enrollment options of Community College (like EGCC() that is free or a low cost is great idea in addition to CLEP. I also think if he can build success doing CLEP, it would be build his confidence with college courses.

Regarding the military, I have heard mixed things for people with ADHD. It can either be a great experience in discipline or it can set him up for failure. I hear your feedback about having to do certain things is mental torture, but, part of me as a Father is like that is life dude...suck it up. Part of being a functioning adult in society is doing things you don't want to do everyday (i.e. laundry, cooking, paying bills, raising kids). I try to be sympathetic with my kids, but, I also struggle with tolerating excuses. I wasn't given a choice that I lost my wife, but, if I don't do my job, other people suffer and starve. I realize children cannot totally process this kind of sacrifice, but, you have to begin to learn to sacrifice as an adult. 

I struggle with feeling adequate as a Dad doing both the job of a Mom and a Dad who has been going through severe grief myself without a net in life yet, I get stuff done. This is the model I am trying to instill in my boys. You rise to the occasion and persevere despite learning disabilities, not having parents, etc. Life ain't fare. You keep on keepin on anyway.

Sorry for the long reply and thank you for your insight.

Education Seeker

[ss20ts]

Keep in mind that he does NOT need a college degree of any kind to make a great living in welding. If he gets his certifications from votech in high school, he can have an actual career at graduation. He will be in demand and will have NO problems finding a job that pays him very well. Where I'm at, welders can easily make 6 figures a year.

Everyone is not into academics. For those of us nerdy academics - those of us who get giddy over this stuff - it doesn't make much sense to us when others have no academic interest. It's really ok that they aren't interested in academia. They find other ways to earn a living and it sounds like he has a great idea with welding. It's hands on and he enjoys it which as someone with ADHD is HUGE.

Suck it up does NOT work on people with ADHD. Our brains do not work the same as other people. We don't have the ability to suck it up. Things like laundry and paying bills are things people with ADHD can and do struggle with. Life is not easy for us. Add in the hearing disorder he has and Asperger's and he's not a divergent person. He needs help learning what works for him. He's probably very frustrated because he doesn't know how to deal with things and pressure just make it so much harder.

[dfrecore]

I have a kid who has hated school since he was 5. We homeschooled, which helped (he took like 50 breaks a day), but honestly, he just hates all of the rigamarole of homework and busywork and all of that junk.

He graduated with a good GPA, and has been working construction and loves the hands-on. He's about to start at an HVAC company, which I also think he'll enjoy. If not, he'll try something else. He's not lazy, he just doesn't see the point in doing "stupid stuff" that doesn't make sense to him. He's definitely thriving in the hands-on atmosphere he's in.

As for the military school, I cannot imagine sending a grieving kid off to military school - that sounds like pure torture. I can't even imagine those kids being nice to him in any way. Especially if you think that a lot are being sent there because they are troubled - not exactly sure that's where you should be sending your boy.

And as for the military - I don't think they will take him with ADHD, Auditory Processing Disorder, and Aspergers. Not 100% - but I really can't see that he would excel in the atmosphere. For someone who's an introvert with no/very few friends, having to live with that many people for prolonged periods of time might be rough.

I think you need to give him more time to find out who he is and what he enjoys. I think you're reaching for extremes when he just needs time.

[sanantone]

Whether or not the military will grant waivers for ADHD will depend on how desperate they are for recruits at the time. They usually require one or two years off of medication without a decline in academic or work performance. This leads to many lying about not having ADHD while struggling in the military without their medications, but I digress.

The combination of those disorders might be permanently disqualifying.

[Vle045]

My son is a sophomore with ADHD. I don’t think I would send my son to military school unless it was something he wanted to do and felt it would help him reach his goals. If you are sending him as a punishment for “bad” behavior, it could open up a whole different can of worms. He could internalize that you sent him away because he is not good enough which can lead to depression and suicide. It is already really hard for kids to be different. I have watched my son try to change who he is because other people didn’t accept him because of his differences. He has lost his faith, his confidence, and his perseverance over the years. I don’t know if military school will help, but I will never forget watching my son say that he didn’t deserve to live because he was “bad”.

If the school you are considering is geared toward ADHD and Autism, and your son is interested in going, that would be the most important factors in determining your choice.

[rachel83az]

I've refrained from posting in this thread because I've been trying to figure out how to phrase this nicely. But I'm not sure there is a way to say this that won't sound unkind to someone. I seem to remember saying that your sons refused therapy after the death of your wife. But you need therapy. Both you and your sons. Not just for grief counseling, but also to deal with neurodivergence. Your son has an IEP, but it's unclear how much daily help/advice he gets beyond that. It sounds like not much.

Have you been diagnosed? Are you pushing this son because you see yourself in him and he just needs to "shape up" "like you did"? Please don't.

He currently attends a STEM High School and is looking at either a vocational career in the Welding, Air Mechanic, or Manufacturing Technology program during the 11th and 12th grade years. 

Welding is a good career. If he likes it, and is good at it, he can make far, FAR more money than the average office-worker. Especially if he is able to specialize in something critically under-represented like underwater welding. Some of those people can make a good 6-figures or more. I'm not sure about air mechanics, but I think they also get paid fairly well. Perhaps not as well as welders, but still decent money. Maybe they make more than welders? I think manufacturing technology depends. But the people who do the repairs definitely make more money than the people who use the parts to make things. Potentially another good 6-figure income.

I also am wondering if a military school during his Junior/Senior year of High School would not be a bad option for him? I would not be sending him here because of the traditional stereotypes people have for military school (i.e. juvenile delinquent, out of control teen), but, it would rather be to help him develop to his full potential in a structured, disciplined, fairly distraction free from electronics, environment

Not all neurodivergent people are good with such rigid structure. It's a stereotype that all so-called "Aspies" need a strict schedule. Some people with Autism need set expectations, but a looser schedule. Others do need every hour of every day pre-scheduled. 

that would push him beyond his limits mentally, physically, and educationally.

For someone with Autism, this can be a very bad thing. You don't have an out-of-control teen right now, but you could get one back if you send him away to military school.

He has also talked about potentially going into the military (i.e. welding in the Navy). So, I wanted to get opinions from former military vets on this type of learning environment for my son?

Bootcamp sounds like hell for someone with Autism. You can't get away from triggers and stimuli. If he has a meltdown, he could wind up with a very tainted military record. Not having meltdowns now doesn't guarantee no meltdowns in the future. 

Meltdowns happen due to stress. Military (school) is a high-stress environment where you often don't get to control your own actions. If the Sargent wants you to clean the bathroom floor again, even though you just finished cleaning it for the 5th time today 10 minutes ago and you could literally eat off the toilet seats... too bad. You have to do it. But being forced to (re)do things for seemingly no good reason can be extremely stressful for someone with Autism. 

I want to push him, but, I don't want to set him up to fail.

Don't send him to military school.

However, I wonder if sending him to a military school that doesn't accommodate students that learn different is a bad or a good idea?

Bad. Very bad.

---

Please note that I am not saying that having Autism is "wrong" or that people who have Autism are "less than". But not everyone can be a basketball player. Not everyone can be a ballet dancer. Some people adore doing math and some people can barely handle addition due either to poor schooling or to dyscalculia. Nobody is "bad" simply because they are different. And being supportive means recognizing someone's strengths and weakness, supporting them where they are strong, then gently trying to redirect them when they are doing something that could be unhealthy for them.

For a variety of reasons, the military is the completely wrong choice for many people who are neurotypical, let alone someone who is not neurotypical.

Your son wants to be a welder? Support him in his interests so that he is able to thrive. There are a lot of videos on YT about getting started welding. Here's one about how to practice TIG welding techniques without access to any TIG welding equipment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuIoihbLPDw I'm sure there are others. Let him try practicing and see if this is something he wants to do or if air mechanic or manufacturing technology would be a better fit for his interests/skills. 

FWIW, here's a site with employers that are committed to hiring neurodivergent employees, even if that means non-standard hiring practices: Neurodiversity Career Connector (simplifyhire.com) 

There is an article about it here: Unique job site can help neurodivergent people find meaningful work — while being themselves - Stories (microsoft.com)

Being neurodivergent no longer has to mean conforming 100% to what neurotypical people do, especially when conforming can be harmful and unhealthy.