Toxic Younger Sister

[2L8]

Right now I have a toxic younger sister who is 15 years old , all she does is try to make life really hard. Recently we went shopping and she passively aggressively bullied me throughout while everyone else thought she was so nice ( she tried giving out $5 dollar tips and people fell for it like fools). What baffles me is on the car ride she was so nice but on the car ride back she acts as if I did something wrong , I ask if I did something wrong I get "No" or I ask do you want to do something later "maybe. I'm completely sick of it because it drained my energy drastically. My parents tell me I'm foolish/stupid/ because I'm 18 and I should overlook it but what they don't understand is that even if I do I begin to get tired , my whole body aches and my stomach is in the worst pain ever. Also she treats everyone differently like a totem pole.
  - My mother ( she tries to become her best friend to get out of things she doesn't like. She's very nice to her about 97% of the time)
  - Me ( 50/50 she tries to bully me but at the same time she wants me to do things with her. I try to avoid doing things with her because it always ends up with some b.fit)
 - My father ( She treats him like UTTER garbage! It's painful to watch , she's only nice to him when she's passively aggressively bullying me or when she needs some money)
 
  What makes me sick is that my parents see this behavior but do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I'm getting to the point that I would like to move away but some financial/ personal things are keeping me from doing that. My sister behavior affects me in a way that I've actually think that I'm better off ending my life somethings. She's 15 but acts like a 5 year old , she's so mean but people think that she's angelic I've had to deal with people saying to me : " She's way more prettier/smarter than you" or in her words " No one cares wtf you have to say."  Sorry for going on and on but is it wrong just to refrain from apologizing and just avoid/ignore her at all costs or is there something else?

[davewill]

2L8,

I think that you need some support outside the family to help you deal with this. Specifically a licensed therapist. That much pain is not within the normal bounds of sibling rivalry and family dynamics. Avoidance is fine, but I don't you will find it sufficient by itself, especially if you're living under the same roof.

Please take this situation seriously.

[2L8]

2L8,

I think that you need some support outside the family to help you deal with this. Specifically a licensed therapist. That much pain is not within the normal bounds of sibling rivalry and family dynamics. Avoidance is fine, but I don't you will find it sufficient by itself, especially if you're living under the same roof.

Please take this situation seriously.

  I'll consider it but it will have to wait after I complete CC ,  its just getting to the point of I honestly just don't want to deal with it anymore.

[jsd]

Assuming "CC" means community college, you should talk to your school. I know in California, part of your CC tuition goes towad a "health fee," which covers mental health as well. This is likely true in many locales, and you probably have limited therapist services you're already paying for and this is definitely a situation for which you should be utilizing them.

Honestly, please reach out for these services, if not your school then elsewhere.

[2L8]

Assuming "CC" means community college, you should talk to your school. I know in California, part of your CC tuition goes towad a "health fee," which covers mental health as well. This is likely true in many locales, and you probably have limited therapist services you're already paying for and this is definitely a situation for which you should be utilizing them.

Honestly, please reach out for these services, if not your school then elsewhere.

 I'm in the works of setting an appointment up.

[High_Order1]

For what it's worth...

At your age, I hated my family. And my two younger brothers. Hated them all.

I'm almost fifty now. Hate is now a strong word to me. I call my Mom about every day, and I try to talk to my brothers about once a month, but they have families now, and so... time gets away from us, but we always have a decent time when we can get together.

I say this because at that age, I didn't think any old fart grownups could understand how I felt, and when they told me they did, it rang hollow. So, I won't insult you by perpetuating the cycle.

All I'll say, is, please don't make any permanent decisions to isolate yourself from your family. Every person there is on a journey of their own, and... who honestly knows what drives them to do (or, ignore) the things they do.

Consider talking to them as a group. If it goes badly... at least you made the effort, and looking back that can be more valuable than gold.

I feel for you, honestly I do.

jsd has some excellent advice about talking to a counselor, as well.

[2L8]

For what it's worth...

At your age, I hated my family. And my two younger brothers. Hated them all.

I'm almost fifty now. Hate is now a strong word to me. I call my Mom about every day, and I try to talk to my brothers about once a month, but they have families now, and so... time gets away from us, but we always have a decent time when we can get together.

I say this because at that age, I didn't think any old fart grownups could understand how I felt, and when they told me they did, it rang hollow. So, I won't insult you by perpetuating the cycle.

All I'll say, is, please don't make any permanent decisions to isolate yourself from your family. Every person there is on a journey of their own, and... who honestly knows what drives them to do (or, ignore) the things they do.

Consider talking to them as a group. If it goes badly... at least you made the effort, and looking back that can be more valuable than gold.

I feel for you, honestly I do.

jsd has some excellent advice about talking to a counselor, as well.

 I did that plenty of times my mom says she doesn't see it as its done behind her back and my dad says he can't deal with it because of physical pain , tiredness (which is ironic sense he's always running and talking about how his body feels like a 18 year old) and she just sits there and lies saying I didn't do anything. I know they see it but they don't care.  My father called me " a weak stupid retard for letting a 15 year old make me want to take my own life."

[originalamyj]

2L8, I am sorry for what you are going through. Is it possible to move out with a relative? Is it possible to ignore and coexist with your sister? I think that's what I would do. Put my head down to work on reaching my goals. The more attention you pay her the more she thrives. When the co-dependant personality gets cut off from the reactions they seek they will often stop.

[High_Order1]

 I did that plenty of times my mom says she doesn't see it as its done behind her back and my dad says he can't deal with it because of physical pain , tiredness (which is ironic sense he's always running and talking about how his body feels like a 18 year old) and she just sits there and lies saying I didn't do anything. I know they see it but they don't care.  My father called me " a weak stupid retard for letting a 15 year old make me want to take my own life."

Your Dad actually had some very positive advice in there; he just doesn't appear to have a great deal in the way of communication skills.

Get to that in a minute. Since you've openly shared, lets address a more serious, important issue.


NEVER BASE A DECISION TO KILL YOURSELF ON HOW YOU PERCEIVE SOMEONE ELSE IS TREATING YOU. NEVER.

You said Dad said "make me want to take my own life" - this is serious.

I don't condone suicide completely. I would suggest it more, especially for terminally ill people in extreme pain, or people in positions with absolutely no way out (like, to avoid being taken prisoner overseas).

The problem is, from seeing it first hand a bunch of times as a police officer, it rarely works as intended. For every person that pills out, there are several with long-term, dramatic and invasive, permanent damage requiring them to have assistance, forever. Plus permanent, physical pain, no way to earn a living, tragic... really.

Shooting and bleeding out, thanks to several changes over the years, are no sure thing, either. I personally know someone missing their jaw. Great personality, zest for life... now.

I would be lying to you if I said the concept of being dead preferable to whatever I was going through never passed through my mind.

Especially when it's late, I'm tired, concerned, and I've been through some Bad Things. But so have others, like you. Ending your life so young, no matter how hard the things are hitting you right now, would be tragic. Maybe no one right now would miss you. But you deprive the world of what you may become, and you may deprive your future husband and kids. You may be in the right place at the right time, that you won't be, if you check out now. Maybe you don't be a rock star, but maybe... you'll be enough. To someone.

One thing is positive - you'll never know if you aren't around to see it.

There is a HUGE planet out there. You can go anywhere you want. You can write your own story to a great extent. Right now sucks. Right now is hard. Right now, your Dad is telling you that there should be nothing a little kid can say or do to diminish your sunshine, but he doesn't understand how much you love and want to be loved, and when things don't go as you are hoping, it physically hurts you.

He is right, but in a much more global sense. There are more people that hate me than even know who you are. Every day, they are bent out of shape because of me. I could give a shit less. I still do me, I don't dwell on them. I work with people I don't like. I am related to people I don't like. There's a person at a store I don't like. I don't care. It took me awhile to learn what's valuable, and what to filter in in order to improve who I am. You are still at the firehose stage.

War story - I worked in a jail one time. You want to talk about people hating you, you haven't lived until people conspire to throw poop, pee (and worse) at you. Call you ugly names, try to get under your skin, get you fired for sport.

What I am telling you is, rise above, my child. You have worth and value. There is little you can control besides being the best you you can be. Consider God; He is out there.

It's going to take forever, but the circumstances you find yourself in right now will change. You are building your character, right now, this second. Will you be tough, and able to matter when it counts? Will you ever be able to stick with anything, no matter the value? Will anyone, anywhere be able to manipulate your heart and the day you have with what they say, or do?

IT'S ALL HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE BEING TESTED. TAKE THE TEST. You fail, there's another test coming, dust yourself off, get back up, try again.

Do this - you are clearly smart enough to see manipulative behavior. You also understand that there should be some parenting to correct this behavior that isn't happening. Time for you to wash your hands from it. If she isn't actively after you, let it ride. Focus on getting through school and finding a way to support yourself. Look into internships in fields that interest you. Home is for food, for sleep and for poop right now. Limit your interactions with them and focus more on the Big Two - School and Work.

Do this and see where you are in six months. God bless!

[12save]

I would not spend time with her unless you have to do so.  Do not try to be her friend, go to the mall with her, etc.  Spend time with your real friends.  Some teenagers are so self-absorbed that they cannot see beyond themselves, their own needs and their own wants.  Do not put effort into a relationship where someone treats you badly - even if it is a sibling.  You are not her parent.  It is not up to you to reprimand her for her behavior.  Give her as few opportunities as possible to engage in enough conversation to show her true colors.  If she questions you about this, tell her that you are tired of her meanness.  This is a great line, "If I treated you the way you treat me, you wouldn't even talk to me."  (So, just be happy that I still talk to you.)  She needs to learn that to have friends (even sisters) she needs to be a friend.  Do not be angry.  The absence of love is not hate, it is indifference.  Be indifferent to her machinations. If you allow her behavior to get to you, she wins.  Younger siblings often like to push the buttons of their older siblings.  Someone once told me, "if people know where to get your goat, move your goat." She may yet grow into an amazing adult and the two of you may come to have a great relationship.  However, she may have a couple more years of brattiness to work out of her system.  Things will not always be the way they are now.  You will not always feel the way you do right now.  Hang in there by taking a long-term view of life.